Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I got my dress, finally! It took me a while to make that final decision (hello! its a HUGE decision) but once I did it felt so great. I loved this one dress, but I was just afraid that maybe there would be another one out there that I would end up liking more. Just like when I listen to the radio, a great song might come on, but I always feel the need to see what else is on, just in case a song I like more is on. No one seems to understand this, but since my family loves me, they were really helpful and patient throughout the whole process, which made it soo fun.
Almost every dress I tried on I loved, which made it that much harder. Wedding dresses just make you feel so pretty, which I was not expecting. First of all, I'm vampire-ish white, so I didn't think they would look good on me, but it doesn't matter what you look like, you put on a wedding dress and you feel like a princess and since Kate Middleton is taking my chances away from ever being a real queen, I guess I'll just have to live with the prince I have : )

Friday, December 3, 2010

6 months, 1 day, and a few hours

The wedding is coming , the wedding is coming!!

I can't believe that it is already December! My second to last semester is wrapping up, Christmas is is three weeks away, and my list of things to do for the wedding somehow seems to be growing, and never shrinking!

So far I've accomplished:
  • finding the dress
  • finding the church
  • finding the reception hall
  • getting a DJ and videographer
  • having my engagement pictures taken
That is a tiny, tiny list..but it seemed like so much!

But the to do list, oh the to do list, its lengthy, long and horrible:
  • get bridesmaids fitted
  • pick out and buy invitations
  • contract a caterer
  • taste cake and order one
  • figure out decorations for ceremony & reception
  • post engagement picture in newspapers
  • address invitations
  • get groomsmen, ushers, etc. fitted
  • pick out flowers
  • take wedding preparation classes
  • register for gifts
  • mail out invites
  • call hotels and get room blocks
  • figure out honeymoon

...and so much more (according to the knot.com a total of 342 things)!

Oh well because luckily for me the fiance and the family are super supportive and help make every decision, which I love. Even though it is hectic planning my wedding while going to school and working, my fiance and family are helping to make this the best experience ever!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

It must be a European thing....

On the third day of camp, our dishwashers came. I guess normally the dishwashers are typically guys from Texas or Mexico just looking for a summer job, but this year they decided to look elsewhere and hired four guys from Hungry, the country, the one in Europe, where they don't own proper bathing suits, yes that country. How do I know that they don't wear proper bathing suits you ask...WELL let me tell you:

When they arrived, we stopped what we were doing and met them, exchanged names, shook hands, that whole ordeal. The whole time I could not understand a word they were saying. They speak a limited amount of English, although now, I can understand them much more clearly, at the time, I was in total shock. We had to write their names down so we could remember them, they are: Lazlow, Gabor, Arpod, and Zoltan.

The whole time we were meeting them, and the camp supervisors were giving them the rundown, they would not stop staring at us, which made us a little uncomfortable, but little did we know that the level of uncomfortableness (is this a word?) was about to magnify by about 534%!

So a couple of days later, Katie and I decided we need to work on our tans and head down to the river. As we are walking down, I see some guys ahead getting ready to get on these large surf-board-looking things at the same spot we were going to go lay out. As we get closer, I said something along the lines of, "Hey Katie, I think those are the dishwashers" two beats later, "Oh my gosh, I think they are wearing Speedos...ahhhhhh!" So we take a hard left and find another spot down river away from their ummm selves...

Right after we lay down, we hear "MOOOORRRGGGAAANNN" in a sing-song tone, and not just once, no, they kept saying it over and over again. Both Katie and I didn't know what to do, so we just stayed there and tried to pretend we were sleeping, but we were laughing the whole time. All of a sudden, we realize they are coming down the river on their surf boards, and the laughing stopped and panic swept over our bodies. By this time Madeline, the third intern, is with us, and we are all sitting there, whispering, "Oh crap, what do we do??"

As they get closer, they start talking, and not wanting to be rude, we sit up to say hi, and what do we realize, oh no they aren't wearing speedos, which at least are meant to be in the water, they are wearing just their undies, and not boxers, because that would just be too nice, no they are wearing tightie-whities, that are ummm, how do I say this, clinging to certain areas. And to make matters worse, they are sitting on their boards with their legs dangling in the water. Trying to not throw up in my mouth, I am trying to answer questions they are asking, while Katie is sitting quietly in shock and Madeline is giggling. The whole time, I am either looking up at the sky or down at my fingernails, or giving Katie sideways looks. Finally, we get up to leave and basically sprint away from the river.

The whole time, we just kept saying, "Maybe it's a European thing, and they don't realize that you don't wearing your undies to go swimming at kids summer camp!" Oh well, it sure was an interesting to meet someone, and in this case, all of them!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

a letter

Dear Kansas:
Oh how I miss you! I miss how your McDonald's has the Big N' Tasty on the dollar menu. I miss how people wave, smile, and ask how your day was. I miss your gorgeous sunsets. I miss your subtleness, like your too shy to let the other states know how amazing you are. Shipoopi misses your small, rolling hills and absolutely hates these steep inclines here.

Speaking of her...

Dear Shipoopi:
Thank you for bringing me to Texas and please make it back to Kansas with me safe and sound. I know your getting old and your knees are tired, but I promise sooner rather then later I'll get you to a nice retirement home, where you'll no longer have to try to make it up hills or deal with my crazy lead foot...BUT....you have to get me back home first, or else missy!

Dear Manhattan:
Are you still doing construction everywhere? If so, can you please make it go away before I come back! Oh and can you work on the whole draining issue because it rains a lot and you flood way to easy. Also, Shipoopi, my roommates, and myself would greatly appreciate it if you could make our alley flat, no pot holes, and preferably paved!

Dear Fiance:
Mmm I miss you, I miss your smell, your smile, your ears, how you understand that my toes get cold and I need someone to sit on them or how I get all stressed out and freak out and you always come me down. I miss the way you make me laugh to tears, I miss our comfortable silences, our movie nights, our late night WalMart runs, everything..basically I miss your you.

Dear Family:
I miss you..do you miss me? I was hoping to have a call, a text, or an email from some family member every once in a while, but nothing. I am the only one who hasn't got any mail, but that's okay, I know you guys are busy. I love you all to pieces and can't wait to see you. It's weird to think you guys are getting ready for the fair, or going to the lake, or the pool, or going on vacations, or moving on, or catching up, and I am not there to see it all happen. I pray for you all and hopefully everything is good up north! I love you and can't wait for a big hug from each of you!

Dear Camp:
I dislike you, I am sorry to say, but shortly I will break up with you and it'll be one of the best days ever! I dislike that there are only a handful of other females. I dislike how all these males have more drama then an all-girl high school. I dislike how the campers are rude, don't know the words please and thank you, and complain about everything. I dislike how you took me away from my family. I dislike how you make me work 12 hours a day in a kitchen that has no A/C, old equipment, and mean Hungarian dishwashers who wear only their tighty-whities when they go swimming, gross! (This will be another blog for another time). I do like the fact, though, that you have taught me I can handle work in tough situations, i.e having two supervisors go through in less than 4 weeks. I also like the fact that you brought me a new friend, whom I love! Also, I guess, I like the fact that you pay me, so that I can get married woot woot!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

On Sunday, I made my way to camp! I had a fun time on this part of the road trip because I didn't have to hurry and get there and was able to enjoy the ride. During this 5 hour drive I saw:
  • a crawfish festival (the town was packed and their downtown was full of tourist shops)
  • the pecan capital of the world (the town's symbol was a pecan tree colored like the Texas flag, go figure hehe!)
  • a winery (I regret not stopping)
  • huge pecan tree groves
  • Dr. Pepper's hometown (I shed a few happy tears when I passed through)
  • about a million cemetery's
  • plenty of dead armadillos
  • extremely high fences (this can only mean they are raising giraffes right?)
  • a motorcycle rally
  • a quirky thrift store on the side of the road called Wispey's
  • gorgeous wild flowers

I loved the whole trip, and it made me really excited as I was heading down to camp. So excited, that I wanted to move here, but we'll just have to see what I think at the end of the summer!

Sunday, May 30, 2010


I headed out towards my internship yesterday, and I am half way there. I left my house at 8:30 and arrived here in Fort Worth around 5 last night. I stopped to say bye to the fiance and then stopped again another hour down the road to say bye to my father and little sisters for the summer. That was basically my only stops except for a stop in OKC for a free lunch at a McDeli and about 59 bathroom stops, I swear my bladder shrinks when I get into my car!

It was a nice day for a long road trip though, and I saw some animals who were enjoying the ride too. On a back of a motorcycle, I saw a dog hanging out on his homemade seat, enjoying the wind in his face, with some sweet sunglasses on. Also, I saw a horse who was sticking his nose out his window of the trailer and letting his bottom lip flap with the wind. Every once in a while, he'd bite at the air and then go back to flapping his lips.

When I got to my hotel, and I was pretty tired and really excited to see this waiting for me:

I was so excited!! I jumped, I rolled, and finally I plopped down and sighed in lovely bliss! This was such a huge bed, when I stretched out, I wasn't even close to touching the ends..mmmmm so nice!

When I opened my curtains to let some sun in, I was surprised when I saw this:

It was still here when I woke up. I was going to ask Snoopy if I could catch a ride down south, so I didn't have to drive, who cares if it'd take a couple days longer to get there, but he just took off..bummer!

Saturday, May 29, 2010


From telling all my friends who graduated this year to telling the fiance, I've learned that I am horrible at goodbyes. I think they suck actually, and I would rather just not go through them at all. With most of my friends, I tried avoiding it all together; I know that sounds horrible, but goodbyes scare me, and I start to panic, get sweaty, freak-out, and could possibly faint (okay so they aren't quite that bad, but you get my point). My friend Bethany came into the McDeli before she left the little apple, and I ended up hiding in the back and came out to give her a quick hug and then I dashed off, that's how bad I am.
Saying goodbye to the fiance for the summer was even worse! I always pride myself in not crying, but oh boy, the waterworks never seemed to quit this week. All of a sudden I would be laughing one minute and the next, I would start having tears sliding down my cheeks, and I could not make them stop. The fiance would just chuckle and say something like, "Gaw, grow up, you're such a loser." Okay.... maybe he was more like, "It's okay babe, it will only be for the summer and it will go by quick, plus think about what a great experience this is for you." He was my rock all week.
I was a blubbering mess last night before he left my house. It was really quite funny because I would try to stop and then all of a sudden I'd start sobbing all over again. This morning, when I went to see him at work, I did my best to keep it together, and I was doing really well. We talked a bit, kissed and hugged, and I was getting ready to get in the car, when he went and got me something and dang it, the tears started coming up again, from where I do not know because I thought I was all cried out. He handed me a CD with a paper that had all of the songs he had put on it and why he chose those songs. That's when the waterworks started up and just when I was getting ready to pat myself on the back for doing such a great job. Luckily though, he threw some songs in that made laugh like Crocodile Rock and Pinball Wizard. After my first few tears, I was able to stop so I wouldn't wreck and just started jamming out to my new CD that was made specially with me in mind and was reminded of how great the fiance actually is and it helped me forget all about that awful goodbye.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Texas on My Mind

This summer I'm going to Texas!! I have an internship in the middle of nowhere at boy's summer camp where I will be helping run the foodservice operation. And when I say "helping run", I mean I will be a lunch lady. But as my sister said, a hot lunch lady! Booyah, I'll have a bunch of 8 year-olds having crushes on me, can it get any better?!
In the beginning, I was supposed to go to an awesome internship in Virgina, a short drive away from D.C. where I would be at a large conference center, but after a couple short-lived promises and a lot of bad communication, that fell through. At first, I was heart broken, mainly because I was so psyched to go to this place and be on the East Coast, but also because I was not sure what I was going to do. For my major, we have to have a 400hr internship to graduate, so basically you have to do it over the summer, or take a whole semester off. At this point in time most places already have their intern lined up and since I am getting married next summer (woohoo!) I started freaking out. But God has his own plan and his own timing and always looks over his people, so now I will be fighting off bugs, sleeping in a bunk, and having a great time lying by the lake all while getting paid and getting credit for school!
I know it isn't really what I expected to get as an internship, and I am not sure what it will be like, but I know God will teach me as I am going. Plus, I get to wear a hairnet all summer!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Stormy Morning

Today is Thursday, which means I have a 6:30 AM lab that lasts 3 hours. Yes that is correct, a very, very long 3 hour lab which starts at 6:30! Since the fiance loves me, he so graciously gets up at 6, comes and picks me up, and takes me to my lab so I do not have to walk the 20 minutes to get to the building.
WELL...today started as any other Thursday, he came and picked me up, dropped me off, and as I was getting out of the car, walking into the building, it started to thunder, which at 6:30 am, doesn't trigger the fact that it is probably going to rain. Then, in the middle of class the storm hits, and I all of the sudden realize, I have neither a jacket nor an umbrella with me!
So as class ends, I had to walk all the way across campus in the rain with only a newspaper to cover my face.
I just got to my class, and I had to spend 5 minutes washing my hands of all the ink that was on them from holding the paper and when I looked up into the mirror I realized.......



Wednesday, April 7, 2010


Easter Sunday was three days ago. On Easter Sunday, after church and lunch, I laid on a blanket in the park with the fiance, and I got sunburnt. This wasn't the sunburn that fades away in a day, no no no, this was a bad sunburn, which I can still feel everytime I put my bookbag on. It was that hot!
Yesterday as I was walking on camups my mouth would get dry, and I was out of breath going up hills cuz my big-fat-creamy-peanut-butter eating-butt isn't used to this heat yet. It was warm enough that I wore a t-shirt and shorts and didn't care how many people I blinded with my white legs because I haven't fake-baked.
But today, well today my friends, is a much different story. The weatherman tells me its 42 degrees but feels like 34. To me it feels like a good day to eat soup, drink hot cocoa, and snuggle by the fireplace in warm slippers and fuzzy sweaters. Instead I had to walk to class in the wind and rain with only a long sleeve shirt and a jacket on. I was hopeful that it wouldn't get this cold again and packed all of my winter clothes up and sent them home to Mom.
I don't know why I let Kansas weather fool me or why I put hope in it? Why do any of us native Kansans? We all know how Kansas weather is and that it'll snow one day and be 65 degrees the next. Somehow though, each year, we all pack our winter clothes up too early and this weather always comes as a surprise.
Hopefully next time, I won't let this bipolar weather catch me off guard, but as for now...I am just going to avoid being outside as much as possible, do my homework, and eat some creamy peanut butter!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Fight Between Colors

The fiance and I have decided on yellow as one of the wedding colors! It will be a spring wedding, and I am picturing a fun sunflowery-lemony-sunshiney-type of yellow. Now I just have to figure out the other color, ughh! Right now, I am between either blue or green as my second color.
I have thought about a navy or cobalt or royal as the blue similar to this inspiration board:
The green would be a lime-bright-fun green like these invitations:I can't seem to decide and am in need of some advice! So leave a comment and let me know what you think!


I have slowly become addicted to peanut butter. It is my new belief that a spoonful a day, keeps the doctor away. Ok...so maybe I just think it tastes really good. So a couple of weeks ago, I went grocery shopping and grabbed a new jar, so that I wouldn't run out because that would be a tragedy. So yesterday, I go to my new jar, spoon in hand, supper excited! I open the lid and then take the seal off and what do I see.........CHUNKS! I think I had a heart attack at that exact moment. This was not just crunchy peanut butter, no no no, this was Extra-crunchy peanut butter. I tried to take a bite, hoping it would satisfy my need for some creamy peanut butter, but there was no hope! I about threw the jar away I was so upset, but I don't like to waste things, even Extra-Crunchy peanut butter, so I kept it and figured I could give it the roommate or the fiance. Needless to say, last night, I went on a grocery run to get the best kind of peanut butter: Creamy!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Why, Hello Mr. Darcy!

On Saturday night, after I got off of work, I went home and decided to relax, watch tv, and massage my feet! As I was flipping through the channels, I stopped on E! which was playing Pride and Prejudice. I decided to watch what was left of it and really enjoyed it. I have never read the book and now I am excited to go out and read it.

But now, when I talk to myself, I sometimes am talking in a British accent. I don't know why I am doing this and cannot seem to stop. My only explanation for this is because of the movie. I realized I was doing it today as I was putting the way the dishes and thinking about all I had to do today, and I realized, my conscience was talking British. I don't know how to make it stop! I am afraid I am going to open my mouth to talk to a guest at work, my boss, my roommate, a classmate, the fiance, anyone really...and I am going to say something with a British accent. The worst part is: I am terrible at accents and my conscience is too! Hopefully I don't make a fool out of myself, and hopefully no one decides to lock me up in a straight jacket after this crazy confession!

My mouth hurts!!

A couple of weeks ago, over Spring Break, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. Everything was going fine until my stomach decided to revolt against the pain medication, and I ended up leaning over the john and in a ton of pain. Because of this little episode, I got dry sockets and had to cancel a date with the boyfriend. Finally I went to the dentist, and they took care of my dry sockets. That was Tuesday March 23. The day the boyfriend and I had rescheduled are date night. After going to the dentist that afternoon, I felt a lot better, but my mouth was still pretty sore, and I was still only eating applesauce and mashed potatoes (the worst diet ever). So, I canceled again and rescheduled for March 24th. The boyfriend was getting pretty upset at this point, and I just couldn't understand why! WELL....................................................................
Wednesday night came around and for now on March 24th will forever be remembered as the day I got ENGAGED!!!!!! So now the boyfriend is the fiance, and I cannot stop smiling! I am in cloud nine!! Woohooo.....there is only one small problem: because of my surgery my mouth is still trying to recover and all this smiling is making my jaw hurt! Oh well, I guess I can handle it!

Sunday, March 7, 2010


Today is my mother's birthday. She's an amazing lady. So many times I have seen different things she has done, and I am inspired. She strives to help others and goes out of her way, never complains, and works extremely hard to give her kids great opportunities. This is the lady who would go into work at 4am so she could drive all the way across the state later that afternoon to watch a junior high c team game. Same lady who will help me find something in the grocery store, even though she's an hour and a half away (thank goodness for cellphones). Same lady who told me to clean up my room, fix my sloppy handwriting, and not to wear the jeans with the huge rip in them (what, I went through a huge punk phase). She's my mom, I love her, and she's still the one I talk to when life gets complicated and I feel like I can't go on. Happy birthday mom! I know you think of it as another year getting older, but I think of it as another year that I was able to have with you! You mean the world to me, I love you!

Monday, February 15, 2010

....and now I am unbuttoning my pants

In the past three(ish) hours I have had the following:

-a couple different brownies
-a bag of cheetos
-the last brownie smothered with peanut butter
-a couple more bites of peanut butter
-a homemade chicken salad sandwich (I felt proud, I made it from leftover baked chicken)
-smothered rice
and now...

the other roomie just said we should eat some of her leftover strawberry shortcake...

I don't think I will be able to walk tomorrow, HELP!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I Love....

I got this idea from thepioneerwoman.com, and I thought it'd be fun. Since it's Valentine's Day, I figured I would make a running list of things I love, that I'll update as I think of things:

  1. chocolate
  2. dancing
  3. Paden
  4. my family
  5. Marci
  6. color cordinated closets
  7. Singing in the Rain - the movie
  8. just singing in the rain in general
  9. thunderstorms
  10. Chinese food
  11. sunshine
  12. bubbles
  13. cheesecake
  14. dogs
  15. old movies
  16. God
  17. laughing!
  18. coffee ice cream
  19. playing board games with friends
  20. getting flowers just cuz
  21. hip hop
  22. Dr. Pepper- fountain
  23. Grey's Anatomy
  24. shoes
  25. comfy pillows
  26. late night grocery shopping
  27. walks
  28. Miranda Lambert
  29. Mexican food
  30. candles
  31. bubble baths
  32. grilled onions
  33. men's cologne
  34. snowmen
  35. Jack Johnson's Banana Pancakes
  36. peanut butter
  37. having a cool breeze hit you in the face when your hot
  38. make-up, especially Mary Kay
  39. Orbit Sweetmint gum
  40. colored socks
  41. cuddling
  42. jeans
  43. flip flops
  44. green
  45. cute older couples
  46. staying home, watching a movie, and drinking a glass of wine
  47. margaritas
  48. jazz
  49. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in You've Got Mail & Sleepless in Seatle
  50. Norah Jones
  51. faith

Friday, February 12, 2010

Bad day remedy

Yesterday was a bad day. Not to sound toO depressing, but it was truly a really bad day. Well, the first half at least. I think too much stress built up and I went over the edge.
I found out what my bad day remedy is....

Are you ready?

First: take a two hour nap (this is a must and without it nothing good can follow)
Second: Have your boyfriend come over and snuggle with you a bit and then tickle you until you actually wake up.
Third: Beat your boyfriend at Mario Kart, which never happens. It really helps if he hasn't played in over a month so he's not as good!
Fourth: Go to a Mary Kay meeting with a friend. You may not know her really well, but that's okay because she's amazing and every time you are with her she makes you laugh!
Fifth: (Stay with me on this one) Go to the library and try to study with two girlfriends BUT INSTEAD end up gabbing about you weird OCD problems (hey I love having my closet color-coded).
Sixth: Avoid the ghetto that lives in apt. 1 by having the boyfriend come pick you up, and then have him give you a back-rub!


Wednesday, February 10, 2010


It's Wednesday, middle of the week, and I am done! I have decided I am quitting this week. This week is dead to me, gone, I am walking away from it, going to next week. Next week looks amazing! Why hello next week! How are you? Great, I am going to come hang out with you early, as long as that is alright with you!!
No but seriously, I have had a ton going on this week! Between work, interviews, exams, quizzes, group projects, studying for exams, trying to get stuff for Marci's Vegas plane package, etc. I have had no time to breathe! Or shower, but that's not important, right?!
Tonight after my exam and my group meeting, I am going to go home, finish my project that is due tomorrow in my lab, hold on to Marci and not let go as I cry as she leaves me to go party in Vegas, and try to get some sleep before my lovely 530am wake-up call for my lab. I might wake up even earlier to do that whole showering-thing, buts its been so long, my body may go into shock.
Tomorrow after lab and class, I will be going to a Mary Kay Meeting, where I'll be able to see my sister, which is always nice, but after that it'll be back to studying for a test on Friday. Friday is a full day of classes, including an exam, and then closing at the Deli. Saturday and Sunday aren't any better because they consist of double shifts on both days.
So next week better be ready because I've never been so excited for it!!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Vegas Care Package?

Marci, my roommate, is leaving for Vegas next week to go to her brother's impromptu wedding. Since she is flying out there I decided I would try to put something together for her for her plane ride and things she may need randomly why she is hanging on the Strip (lets just say I'm super jealous she's going and wish I could go with her). Basically, I just wanted to put something small together because I think she's the best and hopefully a small package will make her solo flight better.
As I was trying to figure out what to put in my package I came to a blank of what to get. Here's what I have so far:
  • New Cosmo Magazine: something to read
  • Package of Gum: I don't want her to have bad breath if she meets any celebs : ) oh and I guess it'll help with her if her ears are popping
  • Hairspray: my girl's got to keep her sweet updo fly!
  • Tiny first-aid kit: cuz shit happens
  • Kleenex: for any sniffles or random clean-ups (or maybe cuz I need a package for my book bag and I thought I'd give her a one too)

That's about it for right now....any ideas? Please let me know!! My first thought was to make it Vegas themed, but then I realized that everything Vegas is in, well, Vegas, and definitely not in Manhattan, KS, so now I'm pretty much stuck!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Terms of Endearment

I remember freshman year of high school, I had a tendency to call everyone hon, or sweetie, or something along those lines. Who knows why, but sadly, I did. Then I remember all of a sudden one day in science class, Mr. Moeckel called on me, and all I remember is at some point during my answer, I managed to call him hon. Not only was I made fun of all of that semester, but it cured me from calling anyone hon after that. I actually couldn't stand those terms at all after that because it reminded me of that embarrassing moment.
I talk on the phone several days with Paden, especially since we aren't in the same town together. Each time we talk he'll call me honey, darling, sugar, babe, etc. often saying most, if not all, in one conversation. Even though to some people they are cheesy names or they think they are silly, I love it. I don't know why, but it makes me feel all sorts of special and loved, plus it's just so stinking cute!
So even though I'm going to try to refrain from calling any of my professors hon, I sure don't mind terms of endearment any longer.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


I'm excited! I mean really excited!! I am going to church on Sunday with a girl that I work with. I haven't been going to church lately, or more than lately, for a long time actually. I am not happy about this at all. I have been telling myself I need to go to church, but one Sunday after another goes by, and all of a sudden I realize how long it has been.
I am scared to go to church. I always feel like an outsider or that I am being judged. I truly believe this is the devil's way of keeping me out of the House of God. The devil scares me out of going to church, he makes me feel like I am not good enough, not wanted. All of this I know is false, but I somehow still get nervous. Also, since I've been in college, my lifestyle has changed some. I cuss more then I want to admit, I drink too much sometimes, and I do other things, that make me feel so bad and so discouraged, that I feel that not even God will want me. Again, I know this is false, but how can I keep wandering how I can deserve the Love from Our Father, when I have not been living the lifestyle he asks me to live. So I tell myself, I can't go to church, I am not good enough to be there, when that is exactly where I need to be, especially when I am sinning more.
I've also come to the realization that maybe in the past, when I did have a better relationship with God, it was for someone else almost. A boyfriend, my dad, a friend, anyone....I had their help and their pull, but when I had a fallout with that person, or just wasn't as close, I let my relationship with Christ fall also. I need to do this for me! I need this relationship with Christ to be sacred, I need realize, that when I am asking him in my life for just myself, all of the other relationships around me, will fall into place, instead of of place. This makes me so excited because I know that even though I am not perfect, He still wants me, loves me, enjoys everything about me, and is calling me!
Another realization I have had is about this nagging thought in the back of my head. I am dating a wonderful guy, who seems to good to be true sometimes! We mesh so well together, and my love for him grows more and more each day. But.....he's Catholic. Not a whole lot of difference between him and my Protestant beliefs, but enough. I constantly feel like I have to defend our relationship to family and friends when it comes to the religious part of our relationship. Sometimes I think: How are we going to make this work? What happens when we get married? If we have kids? What is it going to be like, how is this going to work? And I have had these thoughts that if I do start going to church, God is going to take him away from me. I know that in the Bible it says that a woman needs a strong man (in religious ways, not muscles!) to lead her. What if he isn't the one for me? I am so scared that he is going to be ripped away from me because he doesn't have the personal relationship with God, the one that God asks us to have with him. So again, I put that as another reason to not go to church, to not try to better my relationship with God. But as I was driving home from work tonight, I had this thought, that maybe instead of God, that was the devil. Telling me that if I do become a stronger woman in my Faith, God would rip Paden away. If this is the devil telling me this, then it has worked, and I am ashamed I have listened to him because he has kept me from going to church, from improving my lifestyle, from getting closer to God. I do not want to listen to him, to give in to his thoughts, but its hard, very hard. I know that I need a lot of prayer, and I need to surround myself with people strong in Faith to help me better my own Faith.
I realize that God put me on this Earth to walk with him, love him, know him. I realize, that I want my ultimate destination to be in Heaven, worshiping my Savior forever and ever. I know that if He asks me to give up my Paden, I am going to have to because I know He will be there to support me and show me the way. As for now though, I believe He still wants Paden in my life, and I hope that this is the truth.
I am writing all of this almost as a journal for me, so I can push myself to be a stronger woman of God, so I can remember how nasty the devil is and how easily he can lie, and so that I can maybe get all of my jumbled thoughts in my head a little more clear. I know that God loves me, he gave His Son to die for me, and that He wants a relationship with me, he wants me to know him and love him and to walk hand in hand with him, and I know.....that is what I want! So please, if you stumble across this, pray for me and my battle against the devil, pray for me and my relationship with Paden, family, and friends, and pray that I find my path with God once again! I know I have a long way to go, but for now, I am just looking forward to Sunday!